If I wrote vows....

When we got married. We didn't give Vows. We simply joined our 2 little families. But as I sit her almost 4 years later I wonder what would my vows to you be today. So I thought about it. and I thought it might be fun to give it ago. So lets pretend right now in front of all of our family and friends I'm standing in front of you. You in your Tux. Me in my white dress...

As we stand here in front of each other,

in front of our friends and family,

I can't possibly think of anything I would rather do.

I think of all the potential we have.

I think of how lucky I am.

How although you are my list of things I never wanted.

You are everything I could have hoped for.

You make me feel like a million dollars.

I know that as i grow old and my looks fade,

You will never leave my side. 

And I want you to know I promise to do the same with you.

I promise that No matter how hard life gets. 

No matter what comes our way,

I will forever Be there to lift you up when you are down.

I will be here to push you off the bed and tell you I love you.

I will Never stop bugging you.

You are my perfect match,

You are my better half, 

Everyday you teach me something new.

And I Love who I am when I'm with you .

and I can't wait to see what we become together.

What great things we can accomplish as a team! 

Thank you for Picking me.

I love you forever and always.

And I love you for all eternity.

 <3 Together forever and never ever apart.

The Moment My Heart Sank

The morning of April 26th I woke up and something felt off. My husband (Gabriel) got Ray off to school and had been at work for a couple hours. When i got a call from Gabriel, Which wasn't normal he usually just texted good morning around then. Little did I know it would be a heart sinking phone call. Gabriel began to tell me, There was rumors of him going over seas. In that moment Time seemed to stand still. My breaths felt heavy, My heart felt so deep into my stomach. I fought the tears with a lump in my throat I gulped as quietly as I could. I finally spoke. I just felt the words fall out of me, Its like I had no control I said "We got this, If it happens we will figure it out." I could hear his voice, this voice of the man i love, frightened but trying to sound positive. "Of course we do. We wont stress till we know". That day I cried. ALOT. Everytime I thought of him tears streamed out of my eyes like a waterfall, no control just non-stop. I would stop crying in time to see a picture hanging of him somewhere in the house. One of the twins babbling Dadada. It was what I knew was only going to be the beginning.

What I thought would be a day or two waiting to hear turned into many days. Each day it hurt more. The unknown. The fears of raising our kids alone for a year maybe more. Every moment thinking of things to worry about. Worries kept popped in my head making me cry more. I thought about how when Gabriel would leave Ray would just have finished kindergarten and when he returned he would be already in 2nd grade.  Jett would be In Kindergarten. While Regina and Annette would be in their last year of preschool. I thought about how Gabriel Jr. we could only hope we would get to see him Before Gabriel left, Or it would be about 3 years in between seeing him. Every single thought hurt.  It made my heart feel broken. I seriously felt like it took every ounce of energy just to take the kids to all their appointments.

Finally on may 2nd I got a text. Gabriel got his orders he was going. Unsure if we would be going with or if he would be going alone. But we knew he would be leaving in just a short 3 months! I felt like my heart was beating in my stomach. I thought about all Things I wouldn't be able to handle. I thought about the custody battles we had going on with my ex for Ray. As well as Fighting to get any time with Gabriel Jr. from Gabriel's ex. I would have to potty train three kids. I would have to do all of the appointments alone. All the surgeries alone. Everything Alone. Then I thought about how Gabriel would worry about me and all of the kids. He would have to stand back and just hear of all the scary things and not be able to hold them and kiss them good night. I thought about how For many soldiers leaving for this long meant many wives cheat, they leave, they withdraw. As soon as I thought about what my poor Husband would undoubtedly be worried about. Although he had no reason to worry about any of those things. I realized It was time to pull myself together. Pull up my grown Ass pants and get to getting things ready. Including preparing the kids.

As I sit here writing we still don't know enough. We know VERY LITTLE. But I know one thing for sure. I know I will get through this. Gabriel and I will make it through all this together. We are Strong. Together forever and never REALLY apart. 

                                                <3 Together forever and never ever apart.